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Archive for the ‘more than fluff between the ears’ Category

Dear God

Sunday, May 14th, 2006

Hello, God.
It’s me Natalie.
Do you remember me?
Of course, you do.
The real question is…do I remember you?
Sometimes I wonder.
My faith seems so elusive
and I feel like I am running through a glass menagerie.
I feel distracted like a babe looking at all the pretties.
I need blinders.
I need to focus on the author and perfector of my faith.
I need to sit at the feet of my Abba, Father.
But I don’t.
So when it rains I can’t help but think I am being bathed
in your tears
and I hear a gentle admonition…
a whisper on the wind,
“Return to the love of your youth and tarry with me.”
Your Prodigal Daugther,
Natalie
5/6/2006
When he came back to his disciples, he found them sound asleep. He said to Peter, “Can’t you stick it out with me a single hour? Stay alert; be in prayer so you don’t wander into temptation without even knowing you’re in danger. There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there’s another part that’s as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire.” ~ Matthew 26:40-41

tis so sweet

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

Cry Out To Jesus
by Third Day (2005)
To everyone who’s lost someone they love
long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye.
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
keepin’ you back from your life.
You believe that there’s nothing
and there is no one who can make it right.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
have lost all of their faith in love.
and they’ve done all they can to make it right again
still it’s not enough.
For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
you try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you’re not alone
in your shame and your suffering.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus.
When you’re lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus.
To the widow who suffers from being alone,
wipin’ the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
say a prayer tonight.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
that meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
that meets you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

(more…)

How Great Is Our God

Sunday, January 8th, 2006

The song that brought me to my knees in worship today. No band. No guitars. No drums. No keyboardist. Our praise band had been in an accident yesterday and 2 of our youth are still in the hospital.
So today we had just a piano and a congregation praising God.
It’s amazing how a song we’ve heard a million times before can become so poignant in an instant…
How Great Is Our God
by Chris Tomlin
The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Auld lang syne 2005

Saturday, December 31st, 2005

I looked it up. Auld land syne is scottish for good old days or time remembered with fondness. Do I look back at 2005 fondly? I can’t really say that 2005 has been a good year. If you look at it with bald face statistics it has been pretty crappy.
I spent the first 2 months of ’05 trying to keep my marriage together then found out that it was all for naught. My husband had been having an affair anyway while telling me he wanted to work on his marriage and going to counseling with me. I had a life threatening blood clot in my lung and was in the hospital in March. In May the man I thought was the love of my life decided our marriage wasn’t worth working on and moved out anyway. The summer was a respite, it wasn’t easy financially, but it was peaceful compared to the early and later months. Then in August Jonathan started first grade and also started having more problems in school. We discovered that he had Asperger’s Syndrome and that his dad was living with his girlfriend after telling all of us that he had been living with his mom. In November I finally got the courage up to pull the bandaid off and I filed for divorce, 6 months to the day after my husband left me yet I was the one that was told that I had betrayed him.
No, it was a good year.
But, yes, I do look back at it fondly despite all that because I’ve grown wiser and stronger. I’m closer to God than I ever was before. I think I’ve come out of this time of refining a better person. I don’t think I passed every testing with flying colors, but I’ve learned a lesson each and every time and that has truly made me grow.
Also I’m 260 lbs lighter than I was this time last year. Sixty lbs are lbs I lost and 200 lbs are the dead weight that I am now officially “provisionally” divorced from.
So I shall always look back at 2005 as the year…
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Cor 4:7-9 NIV) and
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

(Isaiah 43:1-3) and
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Glory!

who am I in Christ

Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

whoami.jpg
There are times in my life when I flounder wondering who I am in Christ. There are days when my self worth is about [] that big. Especially on days when your children rave about the other woman in your ex husbands life about how great she is and about what wonderful presents she gives and about how pretty she is. And I keep reaching for something to remind me about who I am.
I don’t need to put her down even to remember that I am a daughter of the king and that the king is captivated by my beauty. But it is hard. And it has been a hard year.
There are times when you wish the devil didn’t know the buttons to push on the back of you head like Mark Hall from Casting Crown says. There are times when you wish there was a bag of chips and french onion dip calling your name. Times when you didn’t feel like drowning your sorrows in food instead of running to the comfort of the father. Abba, father.
Who am I? In the grand scheme of things I really am nothing, but in the heavenly scheme of things other woman or not…I am His. I am called. I am an adopted daughter of the King. I am a princess. I am the crown of creation. And when my heart fails within me I know that He is my portion. And He never changes. Always and forever.
And I may not have glossy brown hair and be a cute petite latino blankity blank, but I am a tall sexthy hot mama with legs up to my neck and big blue eyes. So take that…oops. That was my flesh talking there for a second.

God Will Make A Way

Saturday, November 26th, 2005

streamsdesert2.jpg
God Will Make A Way
by Don Moen
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way….
He will make a way
Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way…..
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He’ll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today
Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way…
He will make a way
Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way….
He will make a way
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way….
He will make a way

breaking the mold

Monday, November 21st, 2005

***warning: if any parental like figures (that would be you, daddy and/or aunt anne) are reading this blog today they may want to skip this entry. there is going to be some sharing of my sordid past that might make ya’ll uncomfy***
I used to be a good girl. I prided myself on the fact that I was a good girl. I could have been Josie from Never Been Kissed except I wasn’t 23. I was 15 when I had my first kiss, but unlike Josie it wasn’t that “thing.” You know…love or anything closely resembling it. It was more of a matter of getting it over with because I was behind most other girls and their first kisses.
I could have been kissed before then, but I had wanted it to be love. Let’s just say, I wish I had waited. It was so horrible that I was 17 before I allowed any boy to touch these rosebud lips again. Do I sound like Scarlett O’Hara or what? And that was closer to love and dangerous for a 17 year old girl who wanted to be a good girl for all the wrong reasons full of raging hormones.
What are the wrong reasons for wanting to be a good girl? Because people impressed upon me that if I was a good girl I would be more loved. Then there are the boys “impressing” upon you that they will love you more if you, well, you know.
So it went too far one time. The good girl was in a hot and heavy situation. Only 17. I said, “No.” He says I said, “Yes.” To this day I really don’t care who was right or wrong. But even in those days it was called date rape, but I call it the day that I decided to truly break the mold. I wasn’t going to be the good girl anymore. I’d lost my virginity so why stay pure. Who cared. I forgot that God did. It took a long time for God to reach me. In fact 6 years, 2222 miles, at least 3 broken hearts (all mine), who knows how many emotional scars and a baby.
I found out that no matter how hard you try to break the mold and that no matter how hard you try to run away from your past that your past will find you until you deal with it the right way. Hiding them in the sand doesn’t help. Only revealing them to God’s redeeming grace and allowing him to heal them will actually get rid of them. And after reading Captivating I realize why I was so haunted by these kind of sins. Satan doesn’t women to flourish and prosper. We might actually be healthy then. Heh.
Now I break the mold in a new kind of way. That to be a woman of God you don’t have to be the cookie cutter church lady ala 1950’s. You can wear jeans and a doo-rag and still have a heart for God. You can have a tattoo and be pierced and still have a heart for worship. You can be imperfect and still be 100% sold out for God AND be used by God. I like that broken mold. Which is the way God wants us for he is truly strong in our weakness. He works better with moldable clay.