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Archive for February, 2006

from the ashes

Monday, February 27th, 2006

I have it in my mind that I need to say that I’m sorry for not blogging more often, but I don’t know if I really am. A lot has been going on and blogging just hasn’t been a number one priority. A motto I try to live by is choose the best, let go of the rest. Some days I do okay and other days I fail miserably. I enjoy blogging, but my online time is very precious right now and I have to spend it wisely. So…there you have it. My rather long treatise on why I won’t say I’m sorry for not blogging regularly right now.
I’ve been rather “thinking” lately. I’m officially divorced now. I signed that papers almost 3 weeks ago, but with courts and red tape I didn’t find out for sure that I was really and truly divorced until late last week. And I wonder how I should feel. Relieved? Sad? Happy? Glad?
I’m a little teary eyed at times when I think of what might have been, but for the most part…I am numb. I hurt more for my children I think than for myself. They have gone through so much already all because a dumb…oops I was about to cuss…butt couldn’t keep his head in the game. And he still doesn’t have a clue how his actions affect them.
I am so thankful that we serve a God who can bring beauty from ashes because there are days when I only see ashes around me. I only see the burnt up remains of a ruined marriage. I only see the scarred broken hearts of my children lying on the living room floor and I don’t even know where my heart is any more. But God can make something from the ashes. He is. I know He is.
Because there are other days when it smells like spring even though it is the dead of winter and in my mind that is the breathe of heaven stiring up healing in our broken burnt up souls.
freedom for captives
good news for the poor
comforting those who mourn
beauty from ashes
gladness for mourning
praise instead of despair
God is in the rebuilding, restoring and renewing business. Glory. ~Isaiah 61:1-4

snippets of a conversation

Thursday, February 16th, 2006

Me: Hi, it’s me. How are you?
Mom: Fine. How are you?
Me: EMPLOYED!!!!!!

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Monday, February 13th, 2006

at least that’s the way I feel sometimes.
and sometimes as I lie on the floor I ponder whether i actually want to get up.
I’m tired and I can sleep on the floor, right?
When will I stop be exhausted?
When will the simplest tasks stop taxing me?
When will I bubble over with energy and enthusiasm despite ex-husbands who act like four letter words, tight budgets, moves, sons with 5 dollar word diagnosis, daughters who miss their daddy, bipolar, ear infections, dishes, vacuuming, tiger scouts, nursery duty, counseling appointments, dropping kids off at school or bus stops, supervising homework…
can I get off this merry go round?
no wonder I am tired.
there is a solution somewhere in all this mess. I just don’t where.

more evidence

Tuesday, February 7th, 2006

more evidence is being found of God’s blessings and His goodness.
Over the next four months…
* I get to volunteer at an Acquire the Fire concert and see Jeremy Camp not to mention seeing the awesome work of God in some of today’s youth.
* I am going to the Hearts At Home Conference with my bud, Cheryl. I’m so stoked. Sara Groves is going to be there. And Julie Ann Barnhill. And Lysa Terkeurst. And Cheryl!!!!
* I am going to…wait? Am I allowed to tell? Well, it’s in April. And it’s in Texas. *zerberts* And I’m going to have fun.
* I am going to be a youth chaperone to the Icthus Festival. Do you know what bands are playing there?! Think I can knock the youth aside and join the mosh pit. LOL
Even though I’m still sick, I feel deliciously light and free. Of course, it may just be my Scarlett O’Hara delusion about not thinking about the ickies today. But who wants to think about the ickies today when there are hoop skirts and ball gowns that we can think about. Or songs like Sing Like The Saved by David Crowder Band (who is going to be at Icthus, btw) dancing through our heads. The ickies will always be with us. Let’s not dwell on them and think on the what is lovely and pure instead.

she lives

Monday, February 6th, 2006

I could go into a litany of why I haven’t been blogging, but I’ll keep it short and sweet to save you the agony of my drama queen whining and say…
*signed FINAL divorce papers
*been sick
*still sick
*stressed
*tired
*every other adjective that describes the above 4 items
*decided that being the mother of a little boy with Asperger’s is blank (insert own adjective or adverb here) as if I didn’t know that before
BUT
there is a but…God is good all the time. All the time God is good. Sometimes things are rough and sometimes I don’t feel like I know where I’m going or what I’m doing, but God does. And if I quiet myself and listen to his still small voice I’m okay. He just blesses my socks off by being God. The one stable thing in my life. He doesn’t change. His character isn’t different than it was 2000 or 4000 years ago. And sometimes I could kick myself for not figuring this all out sooner. I wish I hadn’t tried to fill that God shaped hole with alcohol or sex or food or tv or books or movies. I wish I’d understood that God just wants me. Not perfect me. Not spiffed up polished me. Just broken little Nattie who mumbles and has low self esteem and ALL the baggage that I was carrying around with me.
God wants you too.
Did I say this would be a simple entry? Well sometimes I just gotta say, Glory! Sometimes my soul is just shouting and dancing even when my body feels like mush. Can I get a GLORY in the house?