(Originally published by Nattie on December 27, 2003)
I wrote this a few weeks ago and meant to post it before now. I am 30 now, but the sentiment is still the same.
My Next 30 Years
I don’t know why the fact that I’m turning 30 in a few weeks is bothering me so much. Thirty is just a number. It is all relative, right? Maybe it is because I feel older. I’ve gained weight. I’m not as active and the last three years have aged me. I’ve fought one of the hardest battles of my life these last three years–chronic depression.
I also thought I would have accomplished more by now. Granted I have two beautiful children and I’m happily married for the most part (I’d be lying if I said I’ve had a perfect marriage, but if things are going to be bad I’d rather face them with my husband).
But I thought (half a lifetime ago) that I would have my degree, be teaching, and live in a two-story house with three bedrooms and 1-1/2 baths and drive the prerequisite SUV.
At 15, I had a vague notion that I would marry and have kids. At that time I wanted all boys. I’m thankful that God didn’t answer that desire. My one boy is enough boy for me. Between him and his father I’ve had my fill of testosterone.
I guess I have accomplished something minus the house and the SUV. I have a boy and a girl, both fair-haired and blue-eyed. They aren’t actual accomplishments, though. They are blessings, gifts of immeasurable proportion.
I don’t really have a career. I am a stay-at-home mom for the time being. I am a fledgling freelance writer. I don’t have a degree, unless you count the one from the school of hard knocks. If I do return to work the only experience I have to offer is the ability to answer phones, type and keep your office orderly.
I still don’t have this whole Christian thing figured out. I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe that God sent His Son to die for my sins, and by this I am saved, but there are days when I’m not sure of much else. There are days when I doubt that God hears my prayers, or even cares. I thought I’d be farther along than this by now.
But all of that is behind me. It is time to bury some dreams. The past is gone and can’t be undone, but my future is lying out in front of me like an open book. It is time for new dreams to be born. So what do I want to do with my next 30 years?
Copyright Natalie Rose York