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breaking the mold

(Originally published by Nattie on November 21, 2005)
***warning: if any parental like figures (that would be you, daddy and/or aunt anne) are reading this blog today they may want to skip this entry. there is going to be some sharing of my sordid past that might make ya’ll uncomfy***
I used to be a good girl. I prided myself on the fact that I was a good girl. I could have been Josie from “Never Been Kissed” except I wasn’t 23. I was 15 when I had my first kiss, but unlike Josie it wasn’t that “thing.” You know…love or anything closely resembling it. It was more of a matter of getting it over with because I was behind most other girls and their first kisses.

I could have been kissed before then, but I had wanted it to be love. Let’s just say, I wish I had waited. It was so horrible that I was 17 before I allowed any boy to touch these rosebud lips again. Do I sound like Scarlett O’Hara or what? And that was closer to love and dangerous for a 17-year-old girl who wanted to be a good girl for all the wrong reasons full of raging hormones.
What are the wrong reasons for wanting to be a good girl? Because people impressed upon me that if I was a good girl I would be more loved. Then there are the boys “impressing” upon you that they will love you more if you, well, you know.
So it went too far one time. The good girl was in a hot and heavy situation. Only 17. I said, “No.” He says I said, “Yes.” To this day I really don’t care who was right or wrong. But even in those days it was called date rape, but I call it the day that I decided to truly break the mold. I wasn’t going to be the good girl anymore. I’d lost my virginity so why stay pure. Who cared. I forgot that God did. It took a long time for God to reach me. In fact, six years, 2222 miles, at least three broken hearts (all mine), who knows how many emotional scars and a baby.
I found out that no matter how hard you try to break the mold and that no matter how hard you try to run away from your past that your past will find you until you deal with it the right way. Hiding them in the sand doesn’t help. Only revealing them to God’s redeeming grace and allowing him to heal them will actually get rid of them. And after reading Captivating did I realize why I was so haunted by these kinds of sins. Satan doesn’t want women to flourish and prosper. We might actually be healthy then. Heh.
Now I break the mold in a new kind of way. That to be a woman of God you don’t have to be the cookie-cutter church lady of the 1950s. You can wear jeans and a doo-rag and still have a heart for God. You can have a tattoo and be pierced and still have a heart for worship. You can be imperfect and still be 100% sold out for God and be used by God. I like that broken mold. Which is the way God wants us for he is truly strong in our weakness. He works better with moldable clay.
Copyright Natalie Rose York

One Response to “breaking the mold”

  1. Susan Says:

    So much wisdom and grace!

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