May 18, 2007
the telling
There is little that is harder than calling your mom who lives 2,000 some miles away and saying, "The doctor thinks it looks like lymphoma." Even harder is calling your dad who is only 20 miles away and can't drive and say the same thing.
The list of calls you have to make seems a mile long and you have to pray for strength even if you are only leaving a message on an answering machine. The telling is not the easiest thing.
Posted by nattie at 12:25 PM | Comments (17)
April 30, 2007
Must Read
I don't get to read many blogs at this stage in my life although I'm hoping that will change soon. But here is one you must read by my pal, Tiff.
Posted by nattie at 03:29 PM | Comments (2)
April 23, 2007
a day in the life
There are times when I think I need to blog/write more about a day in the life of a family with a child that has Asperger's. But...often I am so caught up in the emotion and the turmoil that I just need to escape it for a bit. Thus I blog about inconsequential things or books.
Oprah had a special about autism on a few weeks ago. One of the parents made a statement that I'd like to put out here as an example of a day in the life - A bad is a bad day and a good day is a bad day waiting to happen.
That sounds so...pessimistic. But I understand. I am at the point where I'm afraid to be hopeful anymore. Because while hope in God is good. Hope in this ever changing beast - this disorder -is not possible. It is hard to find hope in every day life. It can be done, but when you are emotionally and physically drained some times it seems beyond your ken.
I'll blog more about the good side of Asperger's, but I needed to say this today.
Posted by nattie at 11:36 AM | Comments (4)
August 27, 2006
food for thought
I've already mentioned this awesome book I read this summer - Honey for a Child's Heart, but I wanted to share some more quotes and ideas from it because it was rich!
"If you must make a fresh decision each day whether you will read the Scriptures and when you will read them, the Bible will probably not be read very often. Increasingly, the family life of believers has little to distinguish it from secular family life." ~ Gladys Hunt
Posted by nattie at 06:34 PM | Comments (1)
June 20, 2006
the quiet one or hitting my head against the wall
sometimes you just click along in life thinking you've got it all together and then WHAM...God smacks you upside the head and says, "Hey, you, who do you think you are?"
Ok, maybe he doesn't do it quite that way. Usually it is my humaness that makes me WHAM right into something like a weakness and I stumble and reel. And God just shakes his head and says, "My child, what were you thinking? Did you really think you were immune this time?"
So He gently brushes me off and glues me back together. Or like right now I'm still sitting here a little stunned and trying to think what I could have done to not have run into this wall AGAIN. WHAM. I'm tired of getting bruises in the same places.
You know I had this cat when I was a little girl that lost hair in the same spot from hitting its head against the door. I always wondered why it didn't learn that if it hit its head against the door it would hurt and it would lose its hair.
I guess me in my humaness. I am a lot like my cat, Sylvia, banging my head against my weakness and sin. God wants to remove that stumbling block. But I just keep thinking if I bang my head against it long enough it will go away. But all I will have is a bruised noggin and patches of hair. Do you know why Sylvia would bump against that door? Because she wanted out?
Lord, I want out of this burden sin. I am free. I want to live free. Open the door for me. I cannot do it alone.
Posted by nattie at 10:21 AM | Comments (2)
June 12, 2006
It is a brand new day
It is a brand new day with no mistakes in it. Yet. But the kids are back from their dad's so I'm sure that mistakes are in the making. There are days when my parenting seems to be one big mistake, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
No matter how painful the last 8 years have been and no matter how hard the next 10 plus plus may be, I am so glad for them. Do you know why? I have learned so much about the height, the width and the depth of God's love for us through parenting.
God has no limits. We have limits, but God...our Abba, Father. Our Daddy has no limits. He does not tire. He does not grow weary.
Who would you rather have pick you up when you skin your knee? The limited earthly parent whose had a bad day or the unlimited God who knows no bounds?
How great is our God! His mercies endure forever!
Posted by nattie at 12:30 PM | Comments (2)
June 05, 2006
restless
i am restless in my spirit and that generally means that God is stiring something up inside me. something needs to change. a habit needs to go. something needs to be tossed on the funeral pyre.
why is it so hard to let go of things that aren't good for us? why is it so hard to take up our cross and follow him? Consider it joy! *smacks head on desk*
Enough by Jeremy Camp
All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more aweesome than I know
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King
You're my everything
Still more awesome than I know
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
More than all I am
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough
And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me
Posted by nattie at 04:38 PM | Comments (0)
May 23, 2006
there has never been a doubt
does it ever just blow your mind that God has a plan for you and for your life. a plan that is bigger than you ever imagined. i have this really bad habit of limiting God, but something i've learned over the past year and a half or so is that God is big and if you don't place him in a box, well, he will blow your socks off.
"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." ~ Philippians 1:6 The Message
Here's to having our socks blown off by God. Glory!
Posted by nattie at 09:29 PM | Comments (2)
May 18, 2006
halvsies or living an abundant life
I call this picture...
Living an abundant life
I have this thing...I don't know how to do things by half measure. Like my hair. That hat while i look tres cute in it covers a hair that is orange. Orange, I tell you. First I had pink hair in honor of Dana's cancerversary. Then I needed to go back to a "normal" hair color. Do I do it the normal way? No! Before the orange hair I had fire engine red hair only where the hair had been pink. You could see me across a crowded gym. I called it my technicolor nightmare hair.
The same thing can be said of other situations in my life. I don't just walk down the stairs. I fall and break my ankle. Or instead of having bronchitis I have a large blood clot in my lung.
I cannot do things by halves. My highs are high. And my lows are lows. And it has gotten worse since the hospital stay. I have more highs and they are higher. Do you know why? I cannot do things by halves. I am alive. I am breathing. God has deemed that I need to be on this earth a little bit longer and I need to LIVE.
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~ Luke 6:38
"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." ~ John 10:9-10
Posted by nattie at 02:36 PM | Comments (4)
May 15, 2006
soliloquy
Grace Like Rain
by Todd Agnew
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun
Posted by nattie at 11:21 AM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2006
Dear God
Hello, God.
It's me Natalie.
Do you remember me?
Of course, you do.
The real question is...do I remember you?
Sometimes I wonder.
My faith seems so elusive
and I feel like I am running through a glass menagerie.
I feel distracted like a babe looking at all the pretties.
I need blinders.
I need to focus on the author and perfector of my faith.
I need to sit at the feet of my Abba, Father.
But I don't.
So when it rains I can't help but think I am being bathed
in your tears
and I hear a gentle admonition...
a whisper on the wind,
"Return to the love of your youth and tarry with me."
Your Prodigal Daugther,
Natalie
5/6/2006
When he came back to his disciples, he found them sound asleep. He said to Peter, "Can't you stick it out with me a single hour? Stay alert; be in prayer so you don't wander into temptation without even knowing you're in danger. There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there's another part that's as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire." ~ Matthew 26:40-41
Posted by nattie at 07:23 PM | Comments (1)
March 14, 2006
tis so sweet
Cry Out To Jesus
by Third Day (2005)
To everyone who's lost someone they love
long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye.
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
keepin' you back from your life.
You believe that there's nothing
and there is no one who can make it right.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
have lost all of their faith in love.
and they've done all they can to make it right again
still it's not enough.
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
you try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you're not alone
in your shame and your suffering.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus.
When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus.
To the widow who suffers from being alone,
wipin' the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
say a prayer tonight.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
that meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
that meets you wherever you are.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.
Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ~ Matthew 11:28
Posted by nattie at 11:38 AM | Comments (3)
January 08, 2006
How Great Is Our God
The song that brought me to my knees in worship today. No band. No guitars. No drums. No keyboardist. Our praise band had been in an accident yesterday and 2 of our youth are still in the hospital.
So today we had just a piano and a congregation praising God.
It's amazing how a song we've heard a million times before can become so poignant in an instant...
How Great Is Our God
by Chris Tomlin
The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Posted by nattie at 03:38 PM | Comments (10)
December 31, 2005
Auld lang syne 2005
I looked it up. Auld land syne is scottish for good old days or time remembered with fondness. Do I look back at 2005 fondly? I can't really say that 2005 has been a good year. If you look at it with bald face statistics it has been pretty crappy.
I spent the first 2 months of '05 trying to keep my marriage together then found out that it was all for naught. My husband had been having an affair anyway while telling me he wanted to work on his marriage and going to counseling with me. I had a life threatening blood clot in my lung and was in the hospital in March. In May the man I thought was the love of my life decided our marriage wasn't worth working on and moved out anyway. The summer was a respite, it wasn't easy financially, but it was peaceful compared to the early and later months. Then in August Jonathan started first grade and also started having more problems in school. We discovered that he had Asperger's Syndrome and that his dad was living with his girlfriend after telling all of us that he had been living with his mom. In November I finally got the courage up to pull the bandaid off and I filed for divorce, 6 months to the day after my husband left me yet I was the one that was told that I had betrayed him.
No, it was a good year.
But, yes, I do look back at it fondly despite all that because I've grown wiser and stronger. I'm closer to God than I ever was before. I think I've come out of this time of refining a better person. I don't think I passed every testing with flying colors, but I've learned a lesson each and every time and that has truly made me grow.
Also I'm 260 lbs lighter than I was this time last year. Sixty lbs are lbs I lost and 200 lbs are the dead weight that I am now officially "provisionally" divorced from.
So I shall always look back at 2005 as the year...
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Cor 4:7-9 NIV) and
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.
(Isaiah 43:1-3) and
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Glory!
Posted by nattie at 11:40 AM | Comments (3)
December 21, 2005
who am I in Christ
There are times in my life when I flounder wondering who I am in Christ. There are days when my self worth is about [] that big. Especially on days when your children rave about the other woman in your ex husbands life about how great she is and about what wonderful presents she gives and about how pretty she is. And I keep reaching for something to remind me about who I am.
I don't need to put her down even to remember that I am a daughter of the king and that the king is captivated by my beauty. But it is hard. And it has been a hard year.
There are times when you wish the devil didn't know the buttons to push on the back of you head like Mark Hall from Casting Crown says. There are times when you wish there was a bag of chips and french onion dip calling your name. Times when you didn't feel like drowning your sorrows in food instead of running to the comfort of the father. Abba, father.
Who am I? In the grand scheme of things I really am nothing, but in the heavenly scheme of things other woman or not...I am His. I am called. I am an adopted daughter of the King. I am a princess. I am the crown of creation. And when my heart fails within me I know that He is my portion. And He never changes. Always and forever.
And I may not have glossy brown hair and be a cute petite latino blankity blank, but I am a tall sexthy hot mama with legs up to my neck and big blue eyes. So take that...oops. That was my flesh talking there for a second.
Posted by nattie at 07:33 AM | Comments (6)
November 26, 2005
God Will Make A Way
God Will Make A Way
by Don Moen
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way
Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way.....
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today
Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way...
He will make a way
Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way
Posted by nattie at 05:46 PM | Comments (1)
November 21, 2005
breaking the mold
***warning: if any parental like figures (that would be you, daddy and/or aunt anne) are reading this blog today they may want to skip this entry. there is going to be some sharing of my sordid past that might make ya'll uncomfy***
I used to be a good girl. I prided myself on the fact that I was a good girl. I could have been Josie from Never Been Kissed except I wasn't 23. I was 15 when I had my first kiss, but unlike Josie it wasn't that "thing." You know...love or anything closely resembling it. It was more of a matter of getting it over with because I was behind most other girls and their first kisses.
I could have been kissed before then, but I had wanted it to be love. Let's just say, I wish I had waited. It was so horrible that I was 17 before I allowed any boy to touch these rosebud lips again. Do I sound like Scarlett O'Hara or what? And that was closer to love and dangerous for a 17 year old girl who wanted to be a good girl for all the wrong reasons full of raging hormones.
What are the wrong reasons for wanting to be a good girl? Because people impressed upon me that if I was a good girl I would be more loved. Then there are the boys "impressing" upon you that they will love you more if you, well, you know.
So it went too far one time. The good girl was in a hot and heavy situation. Only 17. I said, "No." He says I said, "Yes." To this day I really don't care who was right or wrong. But even in those days it was called date rape, but I call it the day that I decided to truly break the mold. I wasn't going to be the good girl anymore. I'd lost my virginity so why stay pure. Who cared. I forgot that God did. It took a long time for God to reach me. In fact 6 years, 2222 miles, at least 3 broken hearts (all mine), who knows how many emotional scars and a baby.
I found out that no matter how hard you try to break the mold and that no matter how hard you try to run away from your past that your past will find you until you deal with it the right way. Hiding them in the sand doesn't help. Only revealing them to God's redeeming grace and allowing him to heal them will actually get rid of them. And after reading Captivating I realize why I was so haunted by these kind of sins. Satan doesn't women to flourish and prosper. We might actually be healthy then. Heh.
Now I break the mold in a new kind of way. That to be a woman of God you don't have to be the cookie cutter church lady ala 1950's. You can wear jeans and a doo-rag and still have a heart for God. You can have a tattoo and be pierced and still have a heart for worship. You can be imperfect and still be 100% sold out for God AND be used by God. I like that broken mold. Which is the way God wants us for he is truly strong in our weakness. He works better with moldable clay.
Posted by nattie at 03:19 PM | Comments (7)